I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
