so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
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Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
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Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants