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Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
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