non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
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she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
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The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"