Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I just want nice things and good sex
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
