u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
