Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I deserve this hangover.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
