Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
