Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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