I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
