mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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