I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
