I am full of burrito and curiosity
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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