I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
