I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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