why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
