I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
