i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
