My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
