No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
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