I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
