Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
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you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
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I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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