I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
