so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
