video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Randomize
