I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
