strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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