And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
