Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
