I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
