I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
