I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
