somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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