is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
