Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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