he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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