Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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