Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
from now on my penis is your penis
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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