Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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