I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
