3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
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I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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