i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
