I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
