Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
