dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
