Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
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You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
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What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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