mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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