i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Randomize
