the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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