My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Are we still banned from the library?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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