Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
