I'd wear matching sweaters with you
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
