You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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