my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
