I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
