turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
