she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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