So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
